New Orleans guide for CouchSurfers

I’ve been back home in New Orleans for one full week and am already swamped with CouchSurfers. I received four hosting requests all summer in Portland, and four every two weeks in Chicago. Here, I get four per day. So, In honor of everyone I’m unable to host, I’d like to present my eating, drinking, and doing guide, generally tailored for young travelers on a budget.

EATIN’: I am a curmudgeon about food in New Orleans. I think the myth of food here was created for and then perpetuated by tourists sometime in the mid-1800s. I eat out far better in plenty of other American cities. Plus, I’m allergic to shellfish (most New Orleanians write off my opinion right there). And most of the best southern, Creole, Cajun, or simply New Orleans food I’ve had has been served in the kitchens of friends, not restaurants. The largest part of this dilemma is being a 25 year old student amid a historic recession–most CouchSurfers will feel me here. On top of most places closing early, it is amazingly hard to eat in this city for under $10—arguably, most of the really good stuff is in the $25/meal range. If you’re going to spend that much, go to Boucherie (Uptown) or Sylvain (French Quarter). Most of the time when I eat out, it’s because a place is reasonable, not great. Despite the city’s reputation as a flyover zone for BBQ, I regularly go to The Joint for BBQ. Juan’s Flying Burrito is also a staple–just about everything there is pretty good. Felipe’s Taqueria‘s basic, filling, student grub is cheaper than Juan’s, but lacks the former’s atmosphere and creativity. Cochon Butcher, if a little overpriced, makes truly amazing sandwiches, though it would be more at home in Brooklyn, Austin, or Portland than the deep South.

First, you must eat a poboy, and if you’re going to do so, do it at Parkway or Domilise’s. Parkway is retro-fun, and where the Obamas went when they came here. Plus, it’s in Bayou St. John, a cool little residential hood along a canal/stream (a bayou is simply a stream, by the way). Domilise’s is my neighborhood go-to, divey, unassuming, and improbably more expensive than Parkway, but each sandwich is made individually, and with great love. While I’m at it, Tracey’s (formerly Parasol’s) roast beef poboys are no slouches, either. While we’re talking sandwiches, muffulettas (that’s “moo-fa-lotta,” folks) too are amazing and essential, and the only place to get a good one is the original Central Grocery in the French Quarter. Make absolutely sure you go around lunch so they’re still fresh. Also, they’re closed Monday–can’t tell you how many times I’ve made that tragic mistake.

The original Cafe du Monde on Jackson Square–don’t bother with the other fast food style variations–is squarely positioned in the bleeding heart of tourist New Orleans, but, especially during off-peak hours, is eternally delightful, even if you’re a local. $5–up front!–covers beignets, cafe au lait, and tip, and will entail some of the best people-watching in our blessed nation. For breakfast, your best bet is Slim Goodies. It’s half the price of  most of the other brunchier places, and they have two cool quasi-hipster diner seating areas inside and an even-better back porch. When it’s hot, get ya snoballs at Hansen’s Sno Bliz, and accept no imitations. Cameila Grill is one of the only places here I know of open late, and though their food is so-so even for a greasy spoon, it’s worth going for the outlandish employees. If you’re in the French Quarter, the Clover Grill, for my money, is just as good, and as much of an experience—it’s one of the most vibey, atmospheric greasy spoons I’ve ever been to, and on top of that, they usually play awesome music.

There is no truly great and/or affordable Italian, Mexican, pizza, or even coffee in NOLA as far as I know. Overrated Awards: 1) Jacque Imo’s 2) Lüke 3) Coop’s Place 4) Vincent’s 5) Delmonico.  A special mention must be made for Evelyn’s Place, which looks awesome, but on top of their food not being very good, a malicious waitress put a hex on me there because of a bad review I wrote on Yelp.

DRANKIN: My favorite bars are Snake n Jake’s Christmas Club Lounge, which rumor holds also happens the favorite bar of the bearded dudes in ZZ Topp, Johnny Depp, Brangelina, etc. It is a filthy, perfect little dive in a Vietnam War-esque semicircular tin shack nestled on an improbable residential street corner in uptown, and the take-no-shit bartenders usually play awesome or hilarious music from their iPods. My other favorite bar, if it’s warm out, is on the diametrically opposite end of the uptown economic spectrum: The Columns Hotel, where You sit on their grand porch and sip southern-style drinks while watching the streetcars clank by. Happy hour is best, but beware congregations of obnoxiously drunk greeks from Loyola and Tulane. The Saint is a great dive in the charmingly dilapidated and now-gentrifying Lower Garden District that often hosts indie bands, a bit of a rarity in these parts. Another top-fiver would be the laid-back Le Bon Temps Roule, which is generally beloved for hosting the Soul Rebels Brass band and lots of other awesomely funky local shit quasi-nightly. I’m a bit biased; it’s a mere block and a half from my house. If there, it’s also eminently worth stumbling five blocks down to Grit’s, which is painted as though you’re in a cypress swamp, and has free pool, and is next to F+M’s, an infamous dive and the epicenter of debauchery Uptown: drunken sorority girls dancing on pool tables, latter day saints still wearing their bike helmets, neighborhood drunks, regulars, the whole potpurri of Uptown NOLA. The Bulldog is notable for being one of the few bars in town with a decent lineup of craft beer, and has a great porch with torch heaters for when it’s chilly, but one must again anticipate a khaki-wearing Greek/Law/Med-school crowd, especially on Wednesday nights, when you get to keep each pint glass you order (!). Finally, Frenchmen Street is where local people go out-out. The prevailing cliché is that it’s “the local’s Bourbon Street,” which is actually pretty accurate. There will be various bands playing 365 days a year. The general idea is that if you buy a drink, you can hang out and listen for free while you drink it (except at Maison, who started charging after the Treme show came out). Off Frenchmen, there are lots of crazy, excellent, and edgier music joints on St. Claude Ave, and Mimi’s in the Marigny (that’s “Mare-in-ee”) would complete my top five. Downstairs is a chill bar, and upstairs people often get down to various DJ’s. During the day, the intersection on which Mimi’s rests is the hub of its vibrant neighborhood, and is generally a cool spot to hang. Deeper into the Bywater, Bacchanal sells wine at practically liquor store prices and you take it to drink in their massive backyard seating area, rife with heatlamps. And my favorite bartender in town is at St. Joe’s, a neighborhood bar to end all uptown New Orleans neighborhood bars.

DOIN’: The way to have fun here is to just exist, not have much of an itinerary, and take it in. Ain’t nowhere in America like this (except maybe Savannah, which is smaller, cleaner, and on the ocean). The essential walks are through the French Quarter, up and down Esplanade Ave (the prettiest street in the entire country, in my humble opinion), through the Garden District, and up and down Magazine (particularly for shopping, if you’re a chick). Riding the St. Charles Streetcar is amazing and essential (the red Canal Street ones, less so). The St. Louis Cemetery above the French Quarter is amazing, as is the quainter cemetery near 6th and Prytania (beware, it keeps strange hours), and finally, the gigantic one at the top of Canal Street. If you can and want to see beyond the city, Jean Lafitte Park has amazing elevated walkways through the swamp, and the plantations on the River Road are as amazing as you might imagine. If, like me and many others here, you have a cultivated taste for the macabre, the defunct Six Flags New Orleans is just 15 minutes from the city, and is a trippy, creepy playground where any reasonably skilled photographer can have a f*cking field day.

Finally, and perhaps most importantly, start A Confederacy of Dunces on your way, read while you’re here, and finish when you’re gone. It’s a good 25% of the reason I live here in the first place, at least as funny as anything Mark Twain ever wrote, and the most perfect encapsulation of this little sub-sea level alternate universe anyone’s ever likely to produce.

This list, of course, is not definitive–I still need to go to Mother’s, the bar at the Hotel Monteleone, and a slew of restaurants I only wish I could afford–but it generally comprises the matrix floating in my head when I need to entertain people. If you’re a New Orleanian and want to add a suggestion or start something, feel free to bring it in the comments section. And lassiez les bon temps rouler.